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I'm moving out to London for college.
/deep breath
/deep breath
September 28th, 2009
August 17th, 2009
April 24th, 2009
I drink way too much.
I don't know why, I don't even like alcohol but I always get wasted no matter what. And it's weird because nothing seems to trouble me when I'm drunk and leaning against a wall to not fall down.
And I end up making out with random people, which is stupid.
I don't know why, I don't even like alcohol but I always get wasted no matter what. And it's weird because nothing seems to trouble me when I'm drunk and leaning against a wall to not fall down.
And I end up making out with random people, which is stupid.
March 10th, 2009
what i ate today:
milk
2 slices of bread
fish for lunch
low fat jelly
bread with meat >_>
milk
3 cookies.
shiit.
milk
2 slices of bread
fish for lunch
low fat jelly
bread with meat >_>
milk
3 cookies.
shiit.
January 27th, 2009
Psychological
* Distorted body image
* Poor insight
* Self-evaluation largely, or even exclusively, in terms of their shape and weight
* Pre-occupation or obsessive thoughts about food and weight
* Perfectionism
* OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)
Emotional
* Low self-esteem and self-efficacy
* Clinical depression or chronically low mood
* Intense fear about becoming overweight
* Moodiness or 'mood swings'
Interpersonal and social
* Poor or deteriorating school performance, however in some anorexics this is not present due to their perfectionistic tendencies
* Withdrawal from previous friendships and other peer-relationships
* Deterioration in relationships with the family
Physical
* Extreme weight loss
* Endocrine disorder, leading to irregulation/cessation of periods in girls (amenorrhea)
* Starvation symptoms, such as reduced metabolism, irregular heart rate (bradycardia), hypotension, hypothermia and anemia
* Growth of lanugo hair over the body
* Abnormalities of mineral and electrolyte levels in the body
* Zinc deficiency
* Often a reduction in white blood cell count
* Reduced immune system function
* Body mass index less than 17.5 in adults, or 85% of expected weight in children
* Possibly with pallid complexion and sunken eyes
* Creaking joints and bones
* Collection of fluid in ankles during the day and around eyes during the night
* Constipation
* Very dry/chapped lips due to malnutrition
* Poor circulation, resulting in common attacks of 'pins and needles' and purple extremities
* In cases of extreme weight loss, there can be nerve deterioration, leading to difficulty in moving the feet
* Headaches, due to malnutrition
* Thinning of the hair
* Nails become more brittle
* Constantly feeling "cold"
* Bruise easily
* Dry skin
* Low blood pressure
Behavioral
* Excessive exercise, food restriction
* Fainting/ black-outs after getting up from lying down, squatting, sitting
* Secretive about eating or exercise behaviour
* Possible self-harm, substance abuse or suicide attempts
* Very sensitive to references about body weight
* Become very angry when forced to eat "forbidden" foods
* Distorted body image
* Poor insight
* Self-evaluation largely, or even exclusively, in terms of their shape and weight
* Pre-occupation or obsessive thoughts about food and weight
* Perfectionism
* OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)
Emotional
* Low self-esteem and self-efficacy
* Clinical depression or chronically low mood
* Intense fear about becoming overweight
* Moodiness or 'mood swings'
Interpersonal and social
* Poor or deteriorating school performance, however in some anorexics this is not present due to their perfectionistic tendencies
* Withdrawal from previous friendships and other peer-relationships
* Deterioration in relationships with the family
Physical
* Extreme weight loss
* Endocrine disorder, leading to irregulation/cessation of periods in girls (amenorrhea)
* Starvation symptoms, such as reduced metabolism, irregular heart rate (bradycardia), hypotension, hypothermia and anemia
* Growth of lanugo hair over the body
* Abnormalities of mineral and electrolyte levels in the body
* Zinc deficiency
* Often a reduction in white blood cell count
* Reduced immune system function
* Body mass index less than 17.5 in adults, or 85% of expected weight in children
* Possibly with pallid complexion and sunken eyes
* Creaking joints and bones
* Collection of fluid in ankles during the day and around eyes during the night
* Constipation
* Very dry/chapped lips due to malnutrition
* Poor circulation, resulting in common attacks of 'pins and needles' and purple extremities
* In cases of extreme weight loss, there can be nerve deterioration, leading to difficulty in moving the feet
* Headaches, due to malnutrition
* Thinning of the hair
* Nails become more brittle
* Constantly feeling "cold"
* Bruise easily
* Dry skin
* Low blood pressure
Behavioral
* Excessive exercise, food restriction
* Fainting/ black-outs after getting up from lying down, squatting, sitting
* Secretive about eating or exercise behaviour
* Possible self-harm, substance abuse or suicide attempts
* Very sensitive to references about body weight
* Become very angry when forced to eat "forbidden" foods
December 15th, 2008
I feel so uncomfortable in my skin.
As if I could never reach anything.
As if I'm doomed to hate myself, to hate every inch of myself.
Oh how I hate this person I see in the mirror.
How I should die.
How. I should just die.
I wish I could like what I have, what it's good.
I'm kind of smart, no, I am quite intelligent. I'm interesting, ain't I?
I hate myself.
My body.
My soul.
Myself.
As if I could never reach anything.
As if I'm doomed to hate myself, to hate every inch of myself.
Oh how I hate this person I see in the mirror.
How I should die.
How. I should just die.
I wish I could like what I have, what it's good.
I'm kind of smart, no, I am quite intelligent. I'm interesting, ain't I?
I hate myself.
My body.
My soul.
Myself.
i wish i was so confident like some girls, that despite the fact that they aren't stick thin, they don't mind dressing up and dressing nicely.
why, why am I like this.
i haaaaaaaate it.
why, why am I like this.
i haaaaaaaate it.
November 23rd, 2008
appearance
- I am 5'4 or shorter. (164cm!!!!! HAHA)
- I think I'm ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/have had braces
- I wear glasses.
- I'd get plastic surgery. (liposuction counts I suppose!)
- I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. (the world has all types of creeps.)
- I have had more than two piercings.
- I have freckles.
family/home life
- I've sworn at my parents.
- I've run away from home. (funny story. NOT.)
- I've been kicked out of the house. (this should come before the "i've run away from home" sentence, for coherence purposes)
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want children someday.
- I have children.
- I've lost a child.
embarrassment
- I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I've snorted while laughing.
- I've laughed so hard I've cried.
- I have glued my hand to something. (just for the smell of the glue :)! )
- I've laughed 'til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I've had my pants rip in public.
health
- I've had stitches.
- I've broken a bone.
- I've had my tonsils removed.
- I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
- I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I've had serious surgery.
- I've had chicken pox.
traveling
- I've driven over 200 miles in a day. (I don't drive. I've traveled in a car for over 200 miles)
- I've been on a plane.
- I've been to North America.
- I've been to Niagara Falls.
- I've been to Japan.
- I've been to Europe.
- I've been to Africa.
experiences
- I've been lost in the city.
- I've seen a shooting star.
- I've wished on a shooting star. (and it phailed)
- I have seen a meteor shower.
- I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I've pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
- I've been to a casino.
- I've been skydiving.
- I've gone skinny dipping.
- I've played spin the bottle. (LAMME)
- I've crashed a car. (I've crashed AGAINST a car xD)
- I've been skiing.
- I've been in a play.
- I've met someone in person from the internet.
- I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I've seen the northern lights.
- Sat on a roof at night.
- I've played chicken.
- I've seen the RHPS.
- I've eaten sushi.
- I've been snowboarding.
relationships
- I'm single. (I think)
- I'm in a relationship.
- I'm available.
- I'm engaged.
- I'm married.
- I've gone on a blind date.
- I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I've been divorced.
- I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
- I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
- I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
- I've kept something from a past relationship.
sexuality
- I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I've kissed someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I've been kissed in the rain.
- I've had sex outdoors.
- I've hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.
honesty/crime
- I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I've cheated while playing a videogame.
- I've cheated on a test.
- I've driven through a red light. (I was in the car, but not driving)
- I've been suspended from school.
- I've witnessed a crime.
- I've been in a fist fight. (OH YEAH)
- I've been arrested.
- I've shoplifted.
drugs/alcohol
- I've consumed alcohol.
- I have/do smoke cigarrettes.
- I have/do smoke pot. (not really POT)
- I regularly drink.
- I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
- I take cough medication when I'm not sick.
- I've done hard drugs.
- I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can't swallow pills.
- I can swallow about five pills at a time no problem.
random
- I can sing well.
- I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news. Bloomberg counts right?
- I don't kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme. (same goes to literature, as in, poetry...)
- I fucking swear regularly.
- I sing in the shower.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I'm a snob about grammar.
- I'm a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I've had 'x's in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love spam.
- I've copied more than 30 cds in a day. (XD)
- I bake well.
- I don't know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes. (A LOT, especially when it's about philosophy or maths)
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I'm online 24/7 , even as an away message.
- I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I'm good at remembering faces.
- I'm good at remembering names.
- I'm good at remembering dates. (if I can use prime numbers on them...)
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest.
- I am 5'4 or shorter. (164cm!!!!! HAHA)
- I think I'm ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/have had braces
- I wear glasses.
- I'd get plastic surgery. (liposuction counts I suppose!)
- I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. (the world has all types of creeps.)
- I have had more than two piercings.
- I have freckles.
family/home life
- I've sworn at my parents.
- I've run away from home. (funny story. NOT.)
- I've been kicked out of the house. (this should come before the "i've run away from home" sentence, for coherence purposes)
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want children someday.
- I have children.
- I've lost a child.
embarrassment
- I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I've snorted while laughing.
- I've laughed so hard I've cried.
- I have glued my hand to something. (just for the smell of the glue :)! )
- I've laughed 'til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I've had my pants rip in public.
health
- I've had stitches.
- I've broken a bone.
- I've had my tonsils removed.
- I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
- I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I've had serious surgery.
- I've had chicken pox.
traveling
- I've driven over 200 miles in a day. (I don't drive. I've traveled in a car for over 200 miles)
- I've been on a plane.
- I've been to North America.
- I've been to Niagara Falls.
- I've been to Japan.
- I've been to Europe.
- I've been to Africa.
experiences
- I've been lost in the city.
- I've seen a shooting star.
- I've wished on a shooting star. (and it phailed)
- I have seen a meteor shower.
- I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I've pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
- I've been to a casino.
- I've been skydiving.
- I've gone skinny dipping.
- I've played spin the bottle. (LAMME)
- I've crashed a car. (I've crashed AGAINST a car xD)
- I've been skiing.
- I've been in a play.
- I've met someone in person from the internet.
- I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I've seen the northern lights.
- Sat on a roof at night.
- I've played chicken.
- I've seen the RHPS.
- I've eaten sushi.
- I've been snowboarding.
relationships
- I'm single. (I think)
- I'm in a relationship.
- I'm available.
- I'm engaged.
- I'm married.
- I've gone on a blind date.
- I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I've been divorced.
- I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
- I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
- I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
- I've kept something from a past relationship.
sexuality
- I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I've kissed someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I've been kissed in the rain.
- I've had sex outdoors.
- I've hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.
honesty/crime
- I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I've cheated while playing a videogame.
- I've cheated on a test.
- I've driven through a red light. (I was in the car, but not driving)
- I've been suspended from school.
- I've witnessed a crime.
- I've been in a fist fight. (OH YEAH)
- I've been arrested.
- I've shoplifted.
drugs/alcohol
- I've consumed alcohol.
- I have/do smoke cigarrettes.
- I have/do smoke pot. (not really POT)
- I regularly drink.
- I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
- I take cough medication when I'm not sick.
- I've done hard drugs.
- I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can't swallow pills.
- I can swallow about five pills at a time no problem.
random
- I can sing well.
- I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news. Bloomberg counts right?
- I don't kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme. (same goes to literature, as in, poetry...)
- I fucking swear regularly.
- I sing in the shower.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I'm a snob about grammar.
- I'm a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I've had 'x's in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love spam.
- I've copied more than 30 cds in a day. (XD)
- I bake well.
- I don't know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes. (A LOT, especially when it's about philosophy or maths)
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I'm online 24/7 , even as an away message.
- I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I'm good at remembering faces.
- I'm good at remembering names.
- I'm good at remembering dates. (if I can use prime numbers on them...)
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest.
2008-10-11 18:08:00
First, I start this entry by saying: What the hell is this subject?
Anyway, this is going to be one of those entries that you wish you hadn't read because it contains only and exclusively stuff about MOISELF, particularly rantings and uninteresting stuff.
So, seriously, for the sake of your time, skip this entry or, if you are really, really bored, enjoy my lack of fluency on writing.
Being said, I shall start.
I'm annoyed.
Completely annoyed by circumstances that really can't be fixed.
First, I'm annoyed by the fact that I keep on getting fever and it seems like the medicine doesn't really work. Also, the fact that I LOST, literally, my voice isn't helping.
Second, I don't think it's normal that I prefer to starve then to face my father by going into the kitchen... But it's all the same, whenever we cross there is this annoying moment that keeps on repeating. It goes like this:
"[GENERIC COMPLAINT ABOUT SOMETHING]"
"Ok..."
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"...I said ok, didn't I?"
"RAMBLERAMBLERAMBLE" - at this point, I stop listening and I look at him and wonder what happened to the person that once... nevermind, I've never admired him... maybe respected? Oh well. I don't know. I've already said this but, oh damn, what is left of him is an over exaggerated part of something he once was. It's a shame when someone ends his life like this, decaying.
Third thing that annoys me: The fact that my father, yet again, thinks that I am a little prostitute that is screwing every guy I hang out with.
Dude. What. the. fuck.
Just because YOU weren't capable of having a conversation with a girl/woman (lol I'm a woman now? XD) without thinking of SEX, doesn't mean others can't.
I wonder if he is worried about me screwing my female friends. Huuuh.
Fourth thing, and last for today, that annoys me: The fact that I look in the mirror and hate, absolutely hate what I see, in matter of weight related stuff.
DAHGEAHJEATJEAIR OAEKIEATOEA
Being sick is killing me because I can't exercise and because I have to eat more.
EAOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
I sound Eating Disordered right now. Just to make it clear, I am not.
@ 2008-10-22 23:02:00
Anyway, this is going to be one of those entries that you wish you hadn't read because it contains only and exclusively stuff about MOISELF, particularly rantings and uninteresting stuff.
So, seriously, for the sake of your time, skip this entry or, if you are really, really bored, enjoy my lack of fluency on writing.
Being said, I shall start.
I'm annoyed.
Completely annoyed by circumstances that really can't be fixed.
First, I'm annoyed by the fact that I keep on getting fever and it seems like the medicine doesn't really work. Also, the fact that I LOST, literally, my voice isn't helping.
Second, I don't think it's normal that I prefer to starve then to face my father by going into the kitchen... But it's all the same, whenever we cross there is this annoying moment that keeps on repeating. It goes like this:
"[GENERIC COMPLAINT ABOUT SOMETHING]"
"Ok..."
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"...I said ok, didn't I?"
"RAMBLERAMBLERAMBLE" - at this point, I stop listening and I look at him and wonder what happened to the person that once... nevermind, I've never admired him... maybe respected? Oh well. I don't know. I've already said this but, oh damn, what is left of him is an over exaggerated part of something he once was. It's a shame when someone ends his life like this, decaying.
Third thing that annoys me: The fact that my father, yet again, thinks that I am a little prostitute that is screwing every guy I hang out with.
Dude. What. the. fuck.
Just because YOU weren't capable of having a conversation with a girl/woman (lol I'm a woman now? XD) without thinking of SEX, doesn't mean others can't.
I wonder if he is worried about me screwing my female friends. Huuuh.
Fourth thing, and last for today, that annoys me: The fact that I look in the mirror and hate, absolutely hate what I see, in matter of weight related stuff.
DAHGEAHJEATJEAIR OAEKIEATOEA
Being sick is killing me because I can't exercise and because I have to eat more.
EAOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
I sound Eating Disordered right now. Just to make it clear, I am not.
@ 2008-10-22 23:02:00
November 16th, 2008
November 6th, 2008
November 5th, 2008
This is so fucking ridiculous.
I can't believe that I've wasted 3 years of my life and I'm about to waste more.
I'm so tired of trying and feeling like a complete piece of crap.
So tired... So tired.
November 3rd, 2008
I feel so sad looking back at my entries and at my progression towards this dark and shitty hole.
I have this journal for 2 years now... and not a single bit of myself changed.
I'm still that crazy girl that looks in the mirror and sees someone that isn't her.
I see a ball of grease looking back half smiling half sad saying lol you're fat. :)
I think I'm going nuts.
I have this journal for 2 years now... and not a single bit of myself changed.
I'm still that crazy girl that looks in the mirror and sees someone that isn't her.
I see a ball of grease looking back half smiling half sad saying lol you're fat. :)
I think I'm going nuts.
it makes me so sad that I am wasting my energy into dieting, exercising, losing weight and hating myself when there's so much more I can do..
I actually have a chance of being something but I waste it all with my obsession.
Sad but true.
I actually have a chance of being something but I waste it all with my obsession.
Sad but true.
November 1st, 2008
I'm taking iron pills.
Anemia is the only physical effect of my ED.
MEAGHEAHAHETHEAR.
Anemia is the only physical effect of my ED.
MEAGHEAHAHETHEAR.
October 12th, 2008
I wish I could love myself more.
I've been diagnosed with anemia and for the 1st time I felt like there was something really wrong without me.
My doctor said I probably wasn't eating well.
I denied it.
It felt weird.
I want to be healthy, but at the same time I want people to know that I have an eating disorder.
I want them to look at me and say that I have one...
I never had the guts to tell anyone because I just don't look like it.
Ew.
How can a fat chick be anorectic? :(
I hate myself so much for caring.
I've been diagnosed with anemia and for the 1st time I felt like there was something really wrong without me.
My doctor said I probably wasn't eating well.
I denied it.
It felt weird.
I want to be healthy, but at the same time I want people to know that I have an eating disorder.
I want them to look at me and say that I have one...
I never had the guts to tell anyone because I just don't look like it.
Ew.
How can a fat chick be anorectic? :(
I hate myself so much for caring.
September 30th, 2008
Sometimes I wish I could just drop dead because there isn't a place for me. Just... There isn't a place for me in this world. I'm far too weird, too picky, too sick to be here.
I am a bad influence to all around me.
I don't respect anyone.
I waste the earth's resources to keep myself alive, when I am not worth the food that I eat, nor the air that I consume.
Will I ever contribute anything to the world? Or will I just make everyone worried sick about me and just give up and die?
My impact on this world is a bunch of mistakes and people crying over my dead body. People wasting their minds thinking about the girl that died.
Why do we waste time thinking about that anyway?
Why?
I hate this. It's late and I can't sleep.
I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm not WORTH it.
I am a bad influence to all around me.
I don't respect anyone.
I waste the earth's resources to keep myself alive, when I am not worth the food that I eat, nor the air that I consume.
Will I ever contribute anything to the world? Or will I just make everyone worried sick about me and just give up and die?
My impact on this world is a bunch of mistakes and people crying over my dead body. People wasting their minds thinking about the girl that died.
Why do we waste time thinking about that anyway?
Why?
I hate this. It's late and I can't sleep.
I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm not WORTH it.
I hate my body.
I wish I wasn't here.
I wish someone was here to tell me that you're not as bad as you think you are. I know I am not, yet, I really, really, really hate everything about me.
URGH.
EMO KID.
I wish I wasn't here.
I wish someone was here to tell me that you're not as bad as you think you are. I know I am not, yet, I really, really, really hate everything about me.
URGH.
EMO KID.